||The Office of the Superintendent of Schools
||Your School District
New District Policy: Illness and Attendance -- Not Mutually Exclusive
First we'd like to clear up a common misconception: many of you are apparently under the impression that the students'
well being is our first concern. That sort of thing looks good on an agency mission statement, but it's not quite entirely
true – in a word, it's unrealistic. Our first concern is the money, the funding, your tax dollars in our accounts – THAT
is our FIRST concern! Make no mistake!
Of course we prefer that things work out well for the children too, but what you need to understand is that sometimes
there are conflicts in this area. When that's the case, we need everyone to buck-up and do their part, so we can all
see this damn thing through… And in our business, "everyone" starts with the students.
Next item, the district is implementing several new policies regarding student illness and its impact on absenteeism.
You may not realize it, but every day that your child is not in school, is a day we don't get paid all the money we
deserve – indeed, that we are counting on!
So to be quite frank, we've had about enough of your sniveling and complaining when your kids aren't feeling
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at the crack of dawn. "My daughter has a headache and diarrhea, my son has a sour
tummy and he's projectile-vomiting…" Enough already, get a grip!
Allowing them to shirk their responsibility [to keep our funds coming in] just because this or that is coming out the
wrong end is nothing more than coddling the weak, plain and simple. Parents these days are soooo concerned about
nutrition and toxic materials, "oooh, we don't want Suzie to get cancer; we don't want Billy to become obese."
Whatever. Do you have any idea how much it costs to keep the lead paint chips and asbestos out of the lunch line?
Let me tell you, it is not cheap!
But do you think twice about raising a spineless milk toast that whimpers and whines and hides under the covers at
the first sign of difficulty? I didn't think so… pathetic bunch of maggots, gah!
Umm… Where was I? Oh yeah, to set the cornerstone of our new policy, we first reexamined the term "excused absence."
We've determined the first six letters of that term to be the cause of many problems we've had for a very long time.
For years we've been accepting your excuses for not making your kids get their happy asses out of bed, on the bus,
into the classroom and seated at a desk -- in other words, what we like to call the "make-money position." We are sooo
done with those excuses, that ship has sailed! None more, got it?
To summarize, rule #1 is: No Excuses; from here forward, your child will only be allowed to miss school if/when you
can provide us with a valid reason. For a list of acceptable and valid reasons, see the next section.
Acceptable Reasons for a Student to be Absent:
- There are no valid reasons for you to selfishly keep your child out of school!
Now before you object, just put a sock in it! Because we know all too well that you are worthless and weak, we have
gone to lengths to accommodate your ailing waifs, and we've prepared a list of suggestions to help you do your part to
keep the district solvent.
Suggestions to Help Sick Students Stay In School
- We've found that many common conditions previously considered to justify an absence, are in all actuality best dealt with at school.
- These would include common colds, all types of flu, chickenpox, smallpox, measles, pneumonia, migraines, food poisoning, dysentery, radiation exposure, 1st/2nd/3rd degree burns, renal shut-down, blocked intestines and liver failure, just to name a few.
- So if/when your child is unlucky enough to be afflicted with a malady that even remotely resembles any of the above, just remember, the best place for them to be is in school.
- The row of seats closest to the door is now reserved for pukers, poopers and any others that may need to get to a bathroom in a hurry.
- On days you think your child might be placed in the "mop-up row" you may want to consider a slicker, as a sensible outerwear choice.
- This will help prevent your kid from being soiled by a classmate from behind.
- A nylon windbreaker will work if it has a hood, but in our experience, PVC works best (because then we can just hose it off and send the student back to class.)
- Choice of shoes is important too, the floor around this row can become quite slippery, waiting for the custodian to make his rounds.
- Be sure to send any changes of clothing your child may need to get through the day.
- If you neglect to do so, we will provide them with plastic trash bags to wear, plus a pair if scissors for them to cut holes for their arms, legs and head (upon request.)
- Make sure your child knows where to cut the holes, and how big to cut them, as this will help to avoid some of the unfortunate accidents that have occurred due to lack of basic skills and/or knowledge.
- If your child is sneezing or coughing-up phlegm, is a chronic nose-bleeder, or is drooling more than normal, make a mask out of an old towel or bed sheet, and fasten it securely to the child's head.
- This will help to reduce the district's ginormous facial tissue expense.
- Plus we wouldn't want to contaminate the other children.
- If your child breaks a bone, don't go to the emergency room, send him/her straight to school.
- You'll waste hours in the ER waiting for some over-worked intern, who'll merely take a disinterested look, and bill you for $1000.
- The ever-resourceful school nurse will come up with something that'll work just as well as a cast… (maybe even better.)
- If your child was bitten by an insect or reptile with necrotizing venom, or has a flesh-eating virus, be sure to wrap affected areas well with plenty of gauze.
- Remember, there may be less tissue for the gauze to hold onto by the end of the day, so try to tape it to an un-afflicted area of the body.
- Not only will other children find such conditions visually unappealing, there are comfort and sanitary issues here as well.
- (And besides, custodians really hate finding bloody hunks of gauze lying around the campus – it sometimes triggers Viet Nam flashbacks, those are never a good thing.)
- Black eyes, split lips and/or missing teeth are no reason to keep that brat home.
- Hey, we've all been there, six-figure credit card debt, boss is an asshole, husband or wife banging some low-life on the side – it all spells s-t-r-e-s-s!
- And kids these days are way, way too lippy, aren't they?
- Rotten little shit-kid presses your hot button, mouthing-off, wrong place, wrong time – it's got to come out somewhere, doesn't it?
- We don't like CPS taking them out of here any more than you do, so don't worry, we understand, we've got your back.
- (Try to keep the rope marks around the ankles and wrists to a minimum -- those are becoming increasingly difficult to explain, and tend to make us all look bad.)
- Whatever you may do, DO NOT expect us to accept a doctor's note as a reason for your child to be absent, regardless of what it says.
- Doctors are a bunch of dooms-day snivelers, who'll put a kid in the hospital for a little more than a hangnail nowadays.
- Besides, all those tests never really tell anyone anything; in the end it all comes down to the doctor's guess -- if you ask us, it's all a great big wad of hooey.
- So bottom line, we aren't buying that crap any more! We see more kids in a day than they see all year. We'll decide when your child should miss school... hmm now, let's see... how about: never!
- In the event, God forbid, of the death of your child, note that you are still responsible for getting his/her remains to school on time, for the remainder of the semester.
- Make arrangements with a sibling or friend to assist the dead child on and off the bus.
- Make sure you include belts or ties when you dress your dead child, to facilitate keeping the corpse in an upright position throughout the day, particularly post-rigor mortis.
- We realize this is a difficult situation, but please do whatever you can to minimize decomposition. Even the cheapest cologne will always be an improvement. (The smell of death tends to distract the other students.)
- Deceased students are excused from PE, homework, school pictures, field trips, insurance requirements and grade-level testing. (We don't want to be unreasonable.)
- If the student's body is cremated, we ask that you leave the urn in care of the teacher until the end of the school year. (This option is widely considered to be the easiest way out.)
There now, that doesn't seem too hard to follow, does it? If you'll all just stick to the new rules, and follow
the guidelines above, your kids will grow up to be better people, and we won't need to order short on text books
to make payroll next year.
Many thanks in advance for your strict adherence to our new policy.