From: The Office of the Superintendent of Schools
  Your School District
  Anytown, CA

New District Policy: Illness and Attendance -- Not Mutually Exclusive

First we'd like to clear up a common misconception: many of you are apparently under the impression that the students' well being is our first concern. That sort of thing looks good on an agency mission statement, but it's not quite entirely true – in a word, it's unrealistic. Our first concern is the money, the funding, your tax dollars in our accounts – THAT is our FIRST concern! Make no mistake!

Of course we prefer that things work out well for the children too, but what you need to understand is that sometimes there are conflicts in this area. When that's the case, we need everyone to buck-up and do their part, so we can all see this damn thing through… And in our business, "everyone" starts with the students.

Next item, the district is implementing several new policies regarding student illness and its impact on absenteeism. You may not realize it, but every day that your child is not in school, is a day we don't get paid all the money we deserve – indeed, that we are counting on!

So to be quite frank, we've had about enough of your sniveling and complaining when your kids aren't feeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at the crack of dawn. "My daughter has a headache and diarrhea, my son has a sour tummy and he's projectile-vomiting…" Enough already, get a grip!

Allowing them to shirk their responsibility [to keep our funds coming in] just because this or that is coming out the wrong end is nothing more than coddling the weak, plain and simple. Parents these days are soooo concerned about nutrition and toxic materials, "oooh, we don't want Suzie to get cancer; we don't want Billy to become obese." Whatever. Do you have any idea how much it costs to keep the lead paint chips and asbestos out of the lunch line? Let me tell you, it is not cheap!

But do you think twice about raising a spineless milk toast that whimpers and whines and hides under the covers at the first sign of difficulty? I didn't think so… pathetic bunch of maggots, gah!

Umm… Where was I? Oh yeah, to set the cornerstone of our new policy, we first reexamined the term "excused absence." We've determined the first six letters of that term to be the cause of many problems we've had for a very long time. For years we've been accepting your excuses for not making your kids get their happy asses out of bed, on the bus, into the classroom and seated at a desk -- in other words, what we like to call the "make-money position." We are sooo done with those excuses, that ship has sailed! None more, got it?

To summarize, rule #1 is: No Excuses; from here forward, your child will only be allowed to miss school if/when you can provide us with a valid reason. For a list of acceptable and valid reasons, see the next section.

Acceptable Reasons for a Student to be Absent:
  1. There are no valid reasons for you to selfishly keep your child out of school!
Now before you object, just put a sock in it! Because we know all too well that you are worthless and weak, we have gone to lengths to accommodate your ailing waifs, and we've prepared a list of suggestions to help you do your part to keep the district solvent.

Suggestions to Help Sick Students Stay In School

There now, that doesn't seem too hard to follow, does it? If you'll all just stick to the new rules, and follow the guidelines above, your kids will grow up to be better people, and we won't need to order short on text books to make payroll next year.

Many thanks in advance for your strict adherence to our new policy.

Your Superintendent


Copyright ©2007 Mark J. McGinty, All rights reserved