The Ubiquitous Corporate Apology (without honesty constraints)

Dear Sniveling Subscriber;

We've carefully worded this like an apology, hoping to infer regret, and a sense of our own powerlessness to suppress the corporate greed and explicit disregard, embodied in the policy about which you've complained. We would also like you to believe that your opinions and/or ongoing satisfaction are important to us, even though our actions speak to the contrary, way too often, and Oh So Much LOUDER than these poetically crafted, but meaningless words.

Our one vestage of genuine sincerity, is our hope that your experience with our 'Customer Service' drones was unproductive enough to discourage any future contact with them. We realize how frustrating it can be -- indeed, we designed it that way on purpose, as a source of perspective, and a way to make you more aware of the value of your time. Once you realize how cost-effective it is to overlook any potential inequity you may perceive, and resign yourself to just paying whatever we bill, you'll feel better about the way our policies affect you -- in fact, you'll feel better about life in general, and that's a good thing!

We realize that at face value, talking to a CSR may seem tempting when you feel as though you've been wronged. But if you'll take a moment to reflect on the utter futility of your recent CSR experience (and you have even a modest amount of intelligence and/or self-respect) we're sure you'll agree, there's got to be a better way. And here it is:

If you have a grievance that involves your bill or our service, follow these 3 simple steps:
  1. Make a conscious effort to forget about it, let it go, don't try to reconcile or research, cut your losses and move on
  2. Pay your bill the day it arrives in the mail, unconditional trust in its correctness is self-fulfilling
  3. Go with the flow
Disclaimer: The following industry standard closure should not be construed to contradict anything above, it's just one of those warm fuzzy figures of speach, like, "great to see you again," "we should do this more often." or, "have a nice day." Feel free to ignore it. (If we omitted it, we'd have to endure another one of those stupid sensitivity seminars, and we freakin hate that, so here you go...)

If there is anything else we can help you with, please don't hesitate to contact us.


Hugs and Kisses,
Your Service Provider

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Copyright ©2007 Mark J. McGinty, All rights reserved