Press Release: Secret Hackers Org Ends Black-Hat Days, Founds IT Security Firm
You've probably never heard of us. During our decades-long black-hat reign of terror, not a word of us was ever spoken to press or public. To know that we existed was to live in mortal terror of the ginormous array of mega-destructive forces at our finger tips, waiting to be unleashed on a whim. It would be like hearing that the "Bloods" or the "Crypts" or some other street gang had acquired nuclear weapons - in other words, something too terrible to imagine, and certain to induce mass hysteria.
But now we are pleased to announce that we've refactored our Raison d'Etra. We're no longer the feared team of notoriously unstoppable hackers, hell-bent on the destruction of technology as we know it. We're now a security research and consulting firm, dedicated to serving the computing public of the world, and available for enterprise-level IT security system design and upgrade projects (for an exorbitant hourly fee, of course.)
Given all of the resources we have just flopped over, from the black side of evil, to the white side of good, we expect our press conferences to draw a lot of attention. Each time we have one, it will surely be the teaser for your evening TV news, so be sure to tune in and follow our meteoric rise to ubiquity.
are [drum roll please] the Cult of the Badly-Injured Rodent (of an
(You've heard of those dead cow people, right? Well they totally ripped us for their name - we picked our name way before they were even baby dead cows, sucking on a momma dead cow's teat. We're like 10 times -- no 100 times -- more powerful and way way cooler!)
You'll be seeing us
referred to most often by our elite-looking quasi-acronym:
(pronounced: see-bee-eye-are-ess-bang-dee.) Much as
Manson's followers called him "Charlie", you may consider it our "friendly" name
- but have no fear, we're on your side, now! So, ok, like, now you're thinking,
"oh I get it, '(s!D)
', exclamation point is the 'not' operator,
etermined)... whoa dude, tres cool!" (Yeah, huh... damn straight!)
Ok, enough introductions! As our first expert contribution to the global community of computer users, we are pleased to present:
The Cb-iR(s!D) Official List of Most Dangerous
Threats to Safe Computing
So, to summarize, you can protect your computer completely by doing the following simple things:
- All of the IEEE 802 (network hardware) specifications
are notoriously dangerous, the number of ways they can be used toward your
demise is conventionally incalculable... Using devices based upon any of them
is about a safe and carefree as dosing your own small child with someone
else's prescription psyche meds.
- Actually, the I-triple-E itself makes us nervous too -
for one thing, what's up with that name? A capital I and then three big fat
capital E's - what are they trying to say there? We aren't sure what the
message is, but we are pretty sure we don't like it. Suffice to say, we're
keeping an "I" on them.
- Ethernet is Satan's favorite play thing, a veritable
gateway of evil. Better to use some proprietary transport layer of your own
design, that will never, ever be used by anything else. These are surprisingly
trivial to engineer, particularly when burdensome tenets such as connectivity
and interoperability have been forsaken. (This is actually a very old tactic -
how else would you suppose things like Token Ring and ArcNet came about?)
- Phone lines and modems are similarly risky... we don't
even really feel good about leaving hunks of string, of any appreciable
length, stored near a PC. All it would then take is for someone to develop a
tin-can PC interface, and a grubby little hand to hold the string taut from
the other end... kachow, right back into the same cycle of exposure.
- Use of TCP/IP exposes you to all sorts of attacks, and
all of the supporting API and other software compound the problem. Few may
recall that Berkeley Sockets was originally classified as malware, until the
Regents of UC Berkeley pulled-off a pay-off/cover-up job of epic proportions.
(Don't look for this factoid in the history books, it won't be there... also,
of those elite few that were in-the-know at that time, most will lie when the
topic comes up. So you'll just have to take our word for it - hey, why would
- LAN Manager is a terrifying prospect to any security
zealot - even toddlers recognize the evils of sharing, and tend to
instinctively resist doing so at all costs. Why would you make a computer do
something that a two-year-old child knows well enough to shun, as a matter of
- Excessive free disk storage and memory can be used to
store and execute malicious programs. By crippling your system hardware to the
point that it's barely capable of performing its intended function, you can
cut the frivolity with which it might be used, right to the bone. If your
computer isn't crashing several times daily for wont of storage and/or memory,
you're living on the edge of destruction.
- Displays and monitors allow an attacker to emit any
visible wavelength of the attacker's choice. Yep, everything from just this
side of the infra-red waves that turn on your driveway flood lights, all the
way up to that pesky old UV band that peels the skin off your nose and
shoulders every summer. So make sure you know who's pumping what out of that
tube - it might well be dangerous.
- Use of Firewire is absolutely out of the question;
reason: scary name. You wouldn't use something called "Shark Attack Wire",
"Rattlesnake Nest Wire", or "Ebola Epidemic Wire", would you? There are
people with IQs rivaled by residential speed limits that aren't foolish enough
to plug something named "Firewire" into anything, least of all a PC.
- The electrical power distribution grid
exposes literally millions of kilometers of copper attack surface, out of doors,
in remote areas, and worst of all, installed in buildings frequented by people
of questionable repute. Pop quiz: what do you get when you cross the poster
child for corporate greed with a crack legal department? (If you answered "Sempra"
then I think you know what we're on about here.)
- Solar power is likewise extremely dangerous - hanging
a silicon panel outside, pointed at the sky is like setting a sugar cube next
to a colony of fire ants. You may as well send a gold-engraved party
invitation to every random malefactor capable of interplanetary travel, within
a 10 light-year circumference -- don't try to act surprised when they come
looking for something more than chit-chat over tea and crumpets, though. So
unless you relish the prospect of ET logging into your remote console, forget
about solar panels.
- Even generator power has risk potential. Boaters in
tropical climates know all too well of the microbes, similar to algae, that
live in diesel fuel. Sooner or later those microbes will evolve into computer
viri, and from there it's a quick hop out of your co-gen's fuel tank, and onto
your private power wire... As I'm sure you might well imagine, there's no way
that could be a good thing.
- If antivirus software is supposed to keep you
virus-free, then why does it copy a small part of each virus right on to your
machine? In effect, the AV vendors propagate pieces of these ugly bugs to many
more PCs than a virus itself could ever hope to touch. A virus never even has
to make it out into the wild, it could just turn itself in to any of the big
AV houses, and within a couple of weeks it's infection would be immortalized
and distributed across the globe.
- Another thing about the corporations netting $billions as the AV segment of the IT industry spirals out of control... we don't want to name any names, let's just call them "Machine Anti-Virus" ("McAV" for short)...
- Well... have you ever seen one of those news
accounts where a fireman gets arrested for arson? A year ago he was
everyone's hero in uniform, holding a screaming baby, blackened with soot,
just in time for the evening news to film the burning building as it
collapses behind them. Thank God he was there to save that baby! He's so
courageous, he's a hero! What an inspiration to us all! Fireman gets a
medal; news crew wins an award.
- Then 6 months later, same fireman, same TV news dude,
same damn story about a different burning building with a different sooty
baby in it. Déjà vu? Rrriiight. Nobody even wants to think that it all seems
just a little bit too contrived, but after a while you have to ask
yourself: just how many times will the law of averages allow itself to be
- For his last media appearance he's got on a prison
jump-suit and some stylish steel-chain jewelry, trying to duck the cameras
as he and 50 other convicts are herded onto a bus. Lost his career, lost his
pension, trashed the hearts and souls of his adoring public, and now on his
way to being somebody's biatch for the next 5-10. Who's the hero now?
Probably enough said...
- Bottom line, avoid "McAV" software, like you would the plagues for which we suspect its makers have long been responsible.
- Disconnect and remove all network cards, modems, and other connective devices
- Disable or uninstall all network protocols
- Limit use of software that outputs to a display
- Don't use electricity obtained from the public grid, generators or solar panels
- Do not install or purchase "McAV" -- in fact, don't even think about it
- Don't trust organizations named in all upper-case; shun the IEEE